10.30.99
dear m.e.w.,
on this day, ten years ago, we were to be married — i thee wed, till death do us part, throw the rice — it was to be our day, our beginning, but it never happened. i pause today to remember and to say some of the things i couldn’t say, all those years ago.
at the time, i couldn’t believe that you could let me go so easily. i wanted you to fight for me, for us, for our life together, but you didn’t. you needed things i couldn’t give, and i needed someone you would never be. the years that separated us in age also separated us in ways far beyond my understanding. it’s taken ten years for me to finally understand, and for me to finally say that i’m sorry.
i am.
m.e.w., i didn’t get any of it, until now. i was too young. i was too absorbed in learning about the world and developing my own identity that i couldn’t see all of the things that you were trying so hard to show me. i only knew love as a dependency, not as a freedom, as a mirror, not as a window.
i just want you to know that it all makes sense now, beautiful sense. true, you will never be my husband, but you have been my teacher. and for that i am grateful.
always,
h.d.b.
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