The Darkest Nights

"there is nothing you can think that is not the moon"

And one by one the nights between our separated cities are joined to the night that unites us.

(Pablo Neruda)

I’ve been married for 212 days, and of those days, I’ve been with my husband 59. You see, I fell in love with a Canadian, and we thought, foolishly in retrospect, that being together would be easy — we would just get married and then he would get a green card and then we would live happily ever after in these United States. It happens in the movies all the time!

The getting married part was easy, and lovely, and we said our, “I do’s” on a brisk November afternoon in the city we both love. There were tears of joy, and golden leaves at our feet, and bottles and bottles of champagne.

And then, the green card part. Let me say, it’s nothing like the movies, folks. I guess nothing ever is. Simply put, the process is something like this:

  1. Fill out forms, pay money and wait for 5+ months for first approval,
  2. Then fill out more forms, pay more money and wait 3+ months for second approval,
  3. Then wait 2+ months to schedule a medical exam and interview,
  4. If everything is approved, then wait 2+ weeks for the visa,
  5. Finally, the visa will turn into a green card upon entering the States.

In short, this process takes about a year, give or take. I had no idea. Most people have no idea. And during this year, give or take, spouses are separated from each other. My husband is not allowed to live with me, here, in the land of the free. It’s absolute torture.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.

(Roger de Bussy-Rabutin)

And I’m struggling in a big way. Having my relationship with my husband reduced to video chats and texts is demeaning. Having to fall asleep alone, every night is heart breaking. Having my life on hold for an undetermined amount of time is frustrating beyond words. Having no idea what it’s like to actually live as husband and wife is just plain ridiculous.

And yet, I’m hanging on because I have no choice. I want my husband here, so I have to survive the process, I have to play the game, I have to get through each day and night — dark as they may be — because that’s the only way I get to have him back. We have to be apart to be together.

We couldn’t just say, “I do” and then walk off into the sunset. We have to fight for this love. Every day. Every night. Alone. Together.

And maybe someday, if I’m lucky, I will see this time as a gift. Maybe someday I will see that this made us strong. That this made us sure. That this built trust in a way only separation can. That we are better for all of this. I hope so. I hope something good shines out of all this darkness.

I hope…

One week ago today, we said, "I do" -- I'm so glad we did!

Sadder than a ticking clock, the moments without you.

(John Geddes)


4 Comments

beautifully written…and so true 🙂

Posted by Linda on 31 May 2014 @ 12pm

hang in there…this too shall pass

Posted by Linda on 31 May 2014 @ 1pm

The days apart will be a fading memory when you both are together forever. xxoo

Posted by Brenda Cavallini on 31 May 2014 @ 11pm

[…] I hoped months ago, I can see this time as a gift. I do see that it made us strong. That it made us […]

Posted by there's beauty in the breakdown - Immigrate on 29 March 2015 @ 11am

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