I’m Still Here

It’s true, I am still here.

I’m trying my best to carry on, whatever that means.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  This is the darkest place I’ve ever been.  I still don’t know the way out, if there is one.  I suspect there isn’t, so I’m trying my best to just get through — a moment, a day, a thought, a breath.  Just one thing at a time, and then another.

I’ll be honest — it’s not pretty.

I cry.  A lot.  The ugly kind of crying.  Randomly.  On purpose.  In anger.  In despair.  In longing.  In fear.

I wish I had the strength to do it with more grace.  I guess that doesn’t really matter, as long as the days are still passing.  I’m living in survival mode.  Grace will return when the anger has softened and the sorrow has lessened and the light finds its way back into my smile.

I don’t know when that will happen, though I’m told it will.

So I’ll be here, waiting.


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